THE WORD 'WORTHY' 1/1/2019

 Every January I choose a Word to represent my coming year. I always want it to represent what God is doing in my life and what I envision He will do in this coming year. When I first started this I chose Focus because I felt I needed to Focus on God. Then it was Discernment because I needed wisdom in choices. Last year it was Hope because that’s what I found in Jesus. This year I have thought about Joy, and Release and other words.. But I believe I have settled on the word Worthy. I chose this word, for starters, because Jesus is Worthy of my life, my time, my worship and my heart. But it also represents a walk I’ve had in the past 12 years learning that I am worthy because of what God has done in my life. 

For 50 years I had the unspoken belief that I had value when others determined I had value. If I did the right things, said the right things, and was the right kind of person.. To them.. Then I had value. So I tried hard to be perfect to everyone I was around, and I failed every time because everyone had a different view of who I should be, what I should be doing and the right things I should have said. So, I have taken a journey in the past 12 years of Celebrate Recovery and my own walk with God, to learn Who God created me to be, and how much I have value in His eyes solely because of His Son Jesus. It’s not dependent on my goodness, my faithfulness, the right words, the right actions… it’s not dependent on me. It’s dependent on the Worthiness of Jesus. That is freedom. Knowing I am living for the Audience of One and He already sees me as worthy of His Love. 

I have seen that I will not have intrinsic value to and unconditional love from everyone around me because, shockingly enough, I’m still not perfect! And maybe because of that understanding I am choosing the Word Worthy to remind myself this year, that  my worth is not dependent on others view of me, their acceptance of me, or their desire to have a relationship with  me; it’s not dependent on my words, my actions, or my purest desire to do the right thing. I am worthy because of God’s Love and He is worthy of everything already. 

GOD'S PROMISE: 8/10/2017

 There are so many aspects to this process I'm in. I feel like this week pulled some of them together for me. For the past year and a half God's direction for me has been to be completely focused on him and not get distracted. I felt like it started out about dating and then it moved into my work. 

 A year ago he firmly told me to stop pursuing the thought that I needed to be dating someone. That finally came to a very big confrontation with God last August when I firmly realized I needed to pull my focus in.

 So I then turned to trying to figure out what I was supposed to do for work. I pursue the idea of getting a second Masters degree in psychology to begin counseling. But God stop that process after talking with Teresa and then Him confirming that I am exactly where I'm supposed to be for the time being. He's given me several women at work to help and also several women in celebrate recovery that I'm walking with. 

The next aspect has been my unique friendship with Richard. God has used this friendship to teach me so much of myself that I really don't think I will realize everything until I look back on it a few years down the road. Even though it seems separate from the rest of this, it's very much connected. 

Throughout this year I have felt a very strong restlessness. I'm very content where God has me but I keep sensing something big is just around the corner! So everything that has happened in the last year I see as direct training or directly connected for my next Step. I'm taking everything that I'm doing and putting my focus on it, trying to visualize how it fits into this anticipation of something God is about to do. I look at my work in CR, my boundary class, my work at the thrift store, the sudden development of an assistant manager that I'm training and all relationships I'm involved with as possible connections to this THING God is doing. Not only the connections but also trying to excel at everything I'm involved with because I don't know which activities are part of His training and which aren't. 

I saw the intense possibility with having Richard as a partner but God clearly told me through that time that not only does God not want me to be thinking that, but He doesn't want me to think about dating at all!! At the time that I heard that I was really confused but still determined to trust what God was saying. It's not that I can't be married but the focus on dating and especially going out to pursue or find a man to date was not what He wanted me to do. Ok whatever God. 

So I've taken that completely off the table and my heart was at peace even though I didn't fully understand. 

The next part was about going on mission trips. This has been such a passion of mine for so long but I haven't had many opportunities to go in any. But last year I determined to start pursuing them more actively. The trip to PNG struck at my heart so strong but because of Morgan pending birth I decided I shouldn't go. So I channeled all my excitement about it towards praying for Richard going. 

Then this opportunity to go to Slovenia came up and Morgan or not I wasn't going to pass it up! So now to pull all this together with what I saw this last week. My work with the babies fit in perfectly with The Ministry of the Quiet Ones. I wasn't Part of the mission group but my part was so extremely important that without my work the work of Cory and Kristiana would have been severely hampered. I had the girls 24/7 allowing them the complete freedom to minister to the youth they are in charge of. And the results were amazing. 

Then I sat in on a few worship sessions and heard a few talks. I fell in love with this mission group. I haven't had access to any other groups of course but what I saw if the integrity and work of this group fully impressed me. So much that through tears during a worship Session I just told God if this was where He was prepping me to go I would go! 

Then at the last worship time with communion a man stood up with a three different Words for people. The one that hit me was when he said there is someone here that heard a promise from God as a child and up till now that promise hasn't come true. And the person has given up hope that it will happen. And God wants that person to know He hasn't forgotten the promise and He will finish what He started. At that Word I broke down in tears. When I was 10 years old or younger I felt a very clear calling to be a missionary. I held onto that hope way into my 20’s but when Jim didn't have the same vision I determined that the ‘promise’ was fulfilled when I was a kid living in the DR. It always felt like I had been jipped out of a promise and always was disappointed. When I heard that Word I felt God was saying I'm not done yet! I keep my promises! 

I took communion with tears flowing and then went to have the CEOs wife pray for me to be ready for whatever God was preparing me for. Tears come to my eyes as I think through this all over again!! 

So, I don't know what God has for me. I don't know if it will be in this town,  this state, or this country but it's going to be more than a thrift shop manager. And I don't have time to mess around with nonessential situations or people. I'm firmly anticipating a change in the next few years or sooner. And with all this vision and desire I absolutely do not have time for inessential dating! If God wants me to partner with someone then He has to set it up. I don't want to wade through having to process with someone who isn't on the same page as me. He has to have the same vision and be in recovery and fully sold out for God. If he has a ministry that I can join him in that's fine but anything less than someone fired up to be part of God's promise to use me is just a distraction for me. I'd rather walk forward alone than to be held back by someone who is stuck in denial. Which make sense now why God was telling me not to date. He knows who would be the perfect complement to my gifts and who I would support the best.,,, who would be ready and willing to step into whatever adventure God has for us.  He knows and can bring him into my life without me having to worry! I don't want anything less. If I go alone I'm fine with that! I just want to be part of that adventure!! 

It also makes me very excited to train my assistant manager to full handle the store. I want to get my Boundary workbook professionally edited and completed. I want to get physically healthy and fit. I want to get financially healthy and fit. I want to help my last girls get independent and secure. Those are my current goals with keeping this Promise in sight. I'm really excited!!