Life Choices

When you're presented with a new situation, how do you know whether it's the right way to go or not? Do you trust your gut instincts or do you weigh all the pros and cons? If you pray, how do you know which way God is directing you to go? People use words such as 'confirmation', 'peace' and 'fleeces' (biblical reference) when they are discussing how they came to such and such decision.

So then you decide to go for it or choose that way to go. Maybe you put your money on the line or maybe your reputation or self respect. There's the initial hope that you understood the situation correctly and that the future won't prove your choice wrong. The hope that invades you seems to prove everything right.

But what do you do when that choice or road you took completely turns your life upside down? What do you do when the results or lack of them are because of the actions of someone else? Sometimes it's not because of someone but maybe just a wrong calculation or misinformation. How do you continue on and not blame yourself for the misfortune? Do you end up blaming the other person so that you feel vindicated? None of the answers are easy. Life is just not guaranteed.

I'm working through some issues that I have gotten very frustrated about. Choices that have been made over the last 20 years are coming to affect me. To be perfectly honest, some of the results are because of choices I made and ways I did or didn't respond correctly to the situation. So I am somewhat paying for those choices. What is hardest are the situations and pain that I have to deal with because of choices and decisions that others have made that have affected me. Even if those actions weren't maliciously done, the actions still come to haunt me. Trying to live through the results of their actions without anger or resentment is one of the hardest things I have to do. The next hardest thing is learning to trust people again. Maybe I don't have to... I'm not totally sure of that one.

What has happened, I have found, is two-fold. One side of it is that I have lost my child-like trust in people's decisions and in life in general. I'm not depressed or negative... just very cynical. But on the positive side I feel like it will be harder to take I in the next time and I'll be more in control of what happens to me. I have finally learned to stand up for myself and not live according to someone else expectations. I have found that I have very unorthodox ideas that wouldn't fit in with the conservative crowd if the truth be known. But the freedom I feel being totally me is intoxicating at times. Obviously, I understand that I can't control life and I can't control the actions of others. But being who I want to be is a type of control that I see I can have.
Someone talked to me recently about being encouraged and hopeful about the future. I was happy for that person- told them that I was glad they were hopeful- but in regards to how those hopes would affect me, I choose not to hold onto that hope. Holding onto some hope just because someone else is hopeful goes against everything I think these days. If their hope comes to fruition, then I will see it myself. If it doesn't then I won't feel like I was taken in again.

I am finding I'm holding on to right "now" more though. I know what I have right now... I know who I am right now. If God deems it good to give me what others hope for, then tomorrow I will see it and can be happy then. It's making me appreciate the totally wonderful things and people that I have today... not worrying about what will be there tomorrow. I can not hope for things that I have no control over. It feels like I am cheating myself of future security. Like I’m just setting myself up for a let down. I do have some hope... I can't let go of it completely. But being content with who I have in my life right now, and where I am right now is far more fulfilling.