Life Choices

When you're presented with a new situation, how do you know whether it's the right way to go or not? Do you trust your gut instincts or do you weigh all the pros and cons? If you pray, how do you know which way God is directing you to go? People use words such as 'confirmation', 'peace' and 'fleeces' (biblical reference) when they are discussing how they came to such and such decision.

So then you decide to go for it or choose that way to go. Maybe you put your money on the line or maybe your reputation or self respect. There's the initial hope that you understood the situation correctly and that the future won't prove your choice wrong. The hope that invades you seems to prove everything right.

But what do you do when that choice or road you took completely turns your life upside down? What do you do when the results or lack of them are because of the actions of someone else? Sometimes it's not because of someone but maybe just a wrong calculation or misinformation. How do you continue on and not blame yourself for the misfortune? Do you end up blaming the other person so that you feel vindicated? None of the answers are easy. Life is just not guaranteed.

I'm working through some issues that I have gotten very frustrated about. Choices that have been made over the last 20 years are coming to affect me. To be perfectly honest, some of the results are because of choices I made and ways I did or didn't respond correctly to the situation. So I am somewhat paying for those choices. What is hardest are the situations and pain that I have to deal with because of choices and decisions that others have made that have affected me. Even if those actions weren't maliciously done, the actions still come to haunt me. Trying to live through the results of their actions without anger or resentment is one of the hardest things I have to do. The next hardest thing is learning to trust people again. Maybe I don't have to... I'm not totally sure of that one.

What has happened, I have found, is two-fold. One side of it is that I have lost my child-like trust in people's decisions and in life in general. I'm not depressed or negative... just very cynical. But on the positive side I feel like it will be harder to take I in the next time and I'll be more in control of what happens to me. I have finally learned to stand up for myself and not live according to someone else expectations. I have found that I have very unorthodox ideas that wouldn't fit in with the conservative crowd if the truth be known. But the freedom I feel being totally me is intoxicating at times. Obviously, I understand that I can't control life and I can't control the actions of others. But being who I want to be is a type of control that I see I can have.
Someone talked to me recently about being encouraged and hopeful about the future. I was happy for that person- told them that I was glad they were hopeful- but in regards to how those hopes would affect me, I choose not to hold onto that hope. Holding onto some hope just because someone else is hopeful goes against everything I think these days. If their hope comes to fruition, then I will see it myself. If it doesn't then I won't feel like I was taken in again.

I am finding I'm holding on to right "now" more though. I know what I have right now... I know who I am right now. If God deems it good to give me what others hope for, then tomorrow I will see it and can be happy then. It's making me appreciate the totally wonderful things and people that I have today... not worrying about what will be there tomorrow. I can not hope for things that I have no control over. It feels like I am cheating myself of future security. Like I’m just setting myself up for a let down. I do have some hope... I can't let go of it completely. But being content with who I have in my life right now, and where I am right now is far more fulfilling.

Disneyland

Of all places on earth that kids desire to go to this has got to rank near the top. Obviously, that's the whole point of the design; to create a dreamland that kids can live out their imagination at. While I was growing up we seemed to be able to frequent DL several times. I think the few things that were around back then that still hold kids attention would be the Materhorn, the Haunted House, The Skytram, and driving your own car on those tracks. There probably were a few others but they weren't the main attractions.

So by the time we had three kids we decided to take them on their first trip to Disneyland. Morgan was 5, Jesse, 3 and Cory 1 1/2. We were quite brave now that I think about it in terms of their age but we went with Jim's folks so we thought we had it all covered. We started out on the wrong foot from the moment we entered into the place. Jim and I figured we would have our own fun and the kids would tag along and enjoy whatever we did. So what did we decided to do first? We gave the two youngest to the grandparents to watch for a while.. and took Morgan on the Starwars ride.

If you haven't been on this ride I'll explain it to you. Entering the building and walking through the mazes works pretty much the same as most rides. The difference with this one is that the ride never moves. You enter into a Space shuttle type vehicle that seats probably 30 people in rows of about 6. A bar comes down and straps you in tight. Then a screen opens up in front and C3PO is standing there talking to you about your trip to some planet. The whole thing from there on is a movie with moving seats. They make the contraption move and shake just as if you were actually moving.

My first inkling that this was the wrong ride to take Morgan on was right at the beginning when the movie started and it felt and looked like we were moving. She had big huge eyes while she said, "Where are we going?" Right after that question the movie showed we were going to fly down this steep incline and she started to scream. I held her.. she screamed... I didn't even get to see the movie because I was trying to keep her from seeing it.

After that we decided to calm her down and do something more mundane.. like Michael Jackson's Movie. Of course it was 3-D and at one point soon into the movie, he reached his arm out to the audience and she screamed.. So I didn't get to watch that movie either and took her outside. She would have absolutely nothing to do with any rides after that for hours. I think we finally convinced her to ride Dumbo later on.
The littler ones couldn't ride too many themselves so needless to say.. the day consisted of lots of walking around.. and not many rides. Tom Sawyers tree-house proved to be a salvation playground!
We did get a break later on that night when the grandparents stayed in the hotel with the sleeping kids and we ran back to actually go on some of our own rides.
We haven't been back since. Maybe now that we are moving to CA we can manage to go back and actually have a good day.

Under ageless sky
Pondering this stone's decay
My mortality